Just when I thought I had scraped all the cheese from my chauvinistic foreskin of ignorance, a wise academic tapped me on the shoulder to remind me I'd missed a spot. This remarkable story poignantly illustrates that you can never be too careful when it comes to your sexism. If you’re an American man, prejudice lurks in everything you do; but especially in everything you say.
Last week, upon receiving my essay from my professor (who resembles a slightly deflated beach ball), I noticed she had indicated a ‘sexist word’ with a red marker, and circled it. My jaw dropped, awestruck by her thorough administration of justice. This generous educator, in the name of female empowerment, karate-chopped her “break in case of sexism” kit, ripped off the marker cap, highlighted my heresy, and CIRCLED it with a pen (also red). It was one of those fucked up wavy circles, too. Like Michael J Fox drew it during the Parkinson’s Christmas party. I had to fight the urge to make out with her loafers.
It's a good thing she circled AND highlighted it; I might have overlooked the bar of toxic ink that had bled through my entire essay. I almost asked why she didn't accentuate my error with an neon arrow; alas, I was paralyzed with regret. And what, you ask, was this leprous string of letters? What plague-carrying lexical ghoul did I summon from the ninth circle of Webster’s Dictionary of Perdition? Gosh, I’m a little embarrassed to say. Well…okay. Here it goes
I used the word “authoress”
“There’s no difference between what a man writes and what a woman writes. Both of them are equal and implying otherwise is considered sexist language.” -- My English Professor
My God, I feel dirty just typing that word. Somebody dip my head in the Ganges and baptize my nuts with delousing powder! O how the aforementioned noun is a source of endless shame and self-loathing for me. To think I had no concept of the genocide I was implying! Indeed, I should have reminded myself that how someone writes reflects their sexual discrimination; that this putrid tongue of patriarchal English, unfit to lick an alleycat’s asshole, slings more slurs than a Texan grandmother. Slurs like “Men at work” and “Man on the moon” and “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” Why can’t she be a jolly good fellow? And does having tits disqualify you from walking on the moon? Of course not! They’d bounce around like crazy and it would be cool as shit!
By the way, if anyone is looking for a nation devoid of sexism, consider purchasing desert property in Iran. The Persian language is genderless, which means there’s no sexism whatsoever. You’ll never have to worry about unequal pay or getting gang raped for not concealing your eyelashes. I hear the minefields are pretty scarce this time of year! Do I smell a Noble Peace Prize for Ahmadinejad?
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