!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAN BONERS STRIKE AT ANY TIME?
THE ANSWER IS YES!
CAN BONERS STRIKE AT ANY TIME?
THE ANSWER IS YES!
Picture this if you will, dear readers: Tim and some relatives are carrying grandma’s coffin towards an idling limo when suddenly his dong swells up like a fiery baptist preacher. Mortified, he waddles past rows of mourners as the uninvited pallbearer wags beneath 200 pounds of freshly-embalmed crone. In a desperate attempt at subterfuge, Tim thigh-swings his kidmissile sideways and knocks over a lighted candle. The funeral is ruined and his grandmother goes to hell.
Unfortunately, situations like this are all too common. Spontaneous erections can be tricky business, and men frequently flounder in dealing with their phallic affairs. That’s why I've done everyone the favor of inventing AAA: The greatest 3 step solution to boner shame in the universe.
Step One:
(Apologize)
Everyone appreciates a swift apology, so it’s essential to deliver one at once. The next time your shorts get a surprise elasticity test, approach the nearest person and say, “Excuse me sir, but I have an erection. I apologize for any disturbance I've caused you.” Close with a firm handshake (or a kiss on the cheek in some cultures). When addressing foreigners or the hard of hearing, commence the apology by pointing at your erection with both index fingers. Bend backwards for extra emphasis. Speak slowly, and be prepared to repeat yourself.
If you’re a guest at a large gathering, such as a wedding or (in Tim’s case) a funeral, request everyone’s attention and offer a collective apology. Stand in a well-lit area where your violation can be visible to everyone. Make a carouselling motion if you’re standing in the center of a group.
Step Two:
(Abscond)
Follow up with,“I will now isolate myself to prevent further discomfort,” then get out of there! While it’s tempting to sweep things under the rug and continue with the baby shower, many people will still be in shock. They can’t recover if you’re standing around with the minute hand stuck on midnight, so give them ample space for recovery. While absconding, avoid exposing your boner to other bystanders; otherwise, you’ll have to start the process over again. Lastly, if in an elevator, classroom or area where quick escape is impossible, matters obviously become more complicated. It’s still imperative to conceal your erection, though, so face a corner and ride it out. Take as long as you need, and remember that it’s okay to cry.
If Tim were as wise as you are now, he would have ditched the coffin and retreated to the church basement, thus evading a lifetime of embarrassment. Once alone, he'd go to step three.
Step Three:
(Admonish)
Penises are childish and act up just to get a rise, so discipline yours as you would a cocky toddler. Don’t arouse more chaos by just ejaculating curses; you’ll only make it harder on yourself. Still, remember to be firm. “What you did was unacceptable! How do you expect me to transport a coffin like that? You better set yourself straight and grow up,” is acceptable in Tim's case. After its head is hanging in shame, put it into ‘time out’ for the rest of the week.
NOTE: Some psychologists advocate the practice of ‘spanking’ your boner, but I personally find this ineffective and cruel. My grandfather beat his boner daily and would often cry afterwards. I know this because I'd hear him pounding it, and he'd always leave lots of tissues lying around his bedroom. Proof that violence is never the answer.
Congratulations, you are now master of your own boner! Please send all donations to antigravitypie@gmail.com in the form of precious gems or sex.
