Bitch: The Code Word for Cool

If a man dominates the business meeting, he’s confident; but if a woman takes command, she’s a bitch. When a man drives a Ferrari, he’s successful; but when a woman drives a Ferrari, she’s a golddigger. If a man pees in a urinal, he’s normal; but if a woman pees in a urinal, she’s weird. These double standards retard social progress and sodomize civilization with a strap-on of unlubricated prejudice. That's why when I saw the matter so eloquently addressed on this Youtube ad, my balls spontaneously voided into my colon.

Man, does that soundtrack drive the emotional nail or what? You could film Elton John taking a dump to it and generate more tears than Schindler’s List. Brilliant! But alas, there appears to be some copycats sneaking onto the poignancy gravy train. Just watch as these sleazy bastards xerox the creative endeavors of feminism. (You don’t have to sit through all of them; just note the plagiarism in the background.)

One band was so inspired by the seamless combination of meaning and music, they did a cover. Not as good as the original, but admirable nonetheless.

Anyway, you get the message: Confidence in men -- under the lens of sexism -- is seen as bitchiness in women. In reality a confident man and a bitchy woman are the same thing, but we've been blinded to truth. Allow me to illustrate the stigma:

Woman: Honey, if I masturbate you with my feet, would you drive Conner to his transgender pottery class?

“Bitchy” Woman: YOU GET YOUR LARD-SHEATHED COCK IN THAT SEDAN OR YOU DIE!

And now, the privilege:

Man: Babe, if I rub your back, could you go down on me during the electrocution scene in The Green Mile? It's always been a fantasy of mine.

"Confident" Man: IF MY DICK ISN’T BASTED WITH SPIT WHEN THEY THROW THAT SWITCH, I'LL WITNESS TWO EXECUTIONS TONIGHT!

As you've noticed, a man (especially a white man) can bayonet a black infant without a zygote of condemnation. Indeed, if Hitler and Mussolini weren't men, textbooks might have labeled them tyrants instead of visionaries. For a female, however, this is inverted: A lash for each IQ point over 90, and all her virtues are vilified. If only God hung some lunch meat between Rosa Park’s thighs, she’d be hailed as a hero! When will we understand that the difference between confidence and assholery is a matter of gender and not interpersonal respect?

Any honest person will tell you: The more a woman is called an asshole, the more awesome she really is. This principle is explained in a chart I made all by myself.

Media must continue to equip women with anger and fear. It must stress the maliciousness of men; that blame is an ally and personal accountability a foe. That life is an endless competition between genders reconciled only by casual sex. That what we need isn't love or cohesion, but things. Lots of things. Expensive things. Shiny things with cameras and wifi so we can tweet pictures of our things to create envy. Die with the most followers and you win.

Women, don’t let sexism stop you from being as ruthless and wasteful as men have been; you're every bit as able to become as unhappy as they are. Remember: Your level of worth is determined by what you own, and how well you display it.